Sunday, May 1, 2016

Even When.....

Every now and then, oh geez who am I kidding? Too often I go throughout the day feeling like I've missed something. A few days ago was one of those days. Then I realized it was Liam's adoption day. Wednesday April 27th was Liam's 4 year anniversary becoming an official Lutkin. How could I forget something so special? How could I not remember a day that changed our lives forever? Well it's because each day since Liam's adoption has been filled with perpetual chaos. Chaos in a good way mostly but still chaos nonetheless. And it's not because of Liam personally, it's just life with 4 then, 5 now is busy! So as I lay next to my sleeping baby boy who just woke up from his second night terror tonight let me express how this little boy changes my heart every day. Liam has so much love to give even when it's not deserved. He loves me even though I feel inadequate to be his mom. He loves me even when my patience fails. He loves me even when I silently sob "I can't do this any more." He loves me even when I have to ignore him because it's the only other option left in my parenting bag of tricks. He loves me even when I have to hold him tight and won't let go until he's calmed down and counted to 10. He loves me even when I take his favorite toys away after he's thrown them in anger. He loves me even though I shout. He simply loves me no matter what. I sometimes feel like I'm not the mom God or myself intended me to be. Then I realize I am becoming something more and Liam is helping me. I am being stretched beyond my limits some days but it is up to me to either break or keep stretching. So I choose to keep stretching. I may not be the perfect mom but he is the perfect one for me. He is right where he needs to be and I am forever grateful it's in my heart. We have a long way to go until we figure out this parenting business. We're not even sure what the future (his future) will bring. But I do know that I will continue to love this boy because he loves me even when..... and even though......... Happy adoption day Liam!

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